


just close our eyes and sleep sweet dreams

by Zerrat



Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII-2
Genre: Angst, Community: fangrai-forever, F/F, Introspection, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 16:17:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/676382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zerrat/pseuds/Zerrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was never really a <i>choice</i> when Lightning agreed to take the mantle of Etro's champion. After countless eons of fighting and loneliness in an empty world, Lightning can't help but selfishly dream that things were different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	just close our eyes and sleep sweet dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Swampert653](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Swampert653/pseuds/Swampert653) for the beta and helping me tweak a few ideas.
> 
> Also a shout out to rayiroth and tjemd4, who discuss this sort of meta business with me. 
> 
> ...and just a little inspired by [Trix's fanart](http://trixiaaaa.tumblr.com/post/41612057076/last-wip-id-be-posting-for-a-loooong-while-must). Ahaha.

The halls of Valhalla were silent, the ringing echoes of her last round with Caius having faded away into nothing. Caius had retreated, as he did from time to time, leaving Lightning alone in the unnerving stillness of Valhalla as she tried to resume her vigil over Etro's legacy. As Lightning leaned against the open window and looked out over the remnants of her battle, a part of her wondered if it was just another form of warfare that he waged on her - the psychological kind. 

Without the fury of her battles with him, without the constant reminder of just why she was _there,_ Lightning was left painfully, achingly alone.

Lightning knew that it was useless to feel that way. If she closed her eyes, if she wanted a special sort of torture, she could see her family at every moment of their lives. She could _see_ every iteration and alteration of their timeline. In all of those infinite outcomes though, in the complex map of every choice, warp and paradox... In every version of her life, Lightning ended up alone in Valhalla.

Lightning knew why she was needed, and remembered why she was there. Still her choice to remain and stand guard over Etro was nothing more than a fal'Cie's illusion. There was no freedom of will, not really, not when the alternative was 'or everything you love will die'.

When bonded with Etro for that instant, Lightning had felt sorry for the goddess. She'd wanted to protect the goddess that had saved Cocoon. After what felt like a thousand years on her own, any empathy Lightning had felt for Etro had long since dried up. 

More and more, Lightning wondered if just snapping would have been preferable to feeling of her humanity being leeched away. It seemed as though she was unable to feel anything at all, other than dull greyness as she fought forever. 

Lightning couldn't help but feel a bitter spiral of hate and helpless anger - at Caius, Etro, herself, at _fate._ She turned sharply, walking to stand in front of that empty throne, her hands clenched into fists by her sides as she considered it. 

_As if Etro is there to resent. As if she gave me a damn choice at all._

Was this what Fang and Vanille had sacrificed for? A broken, hopeless timeline that had shattered her family and left them broken? It was Etro's doing, and Lightning understood that. Etro, who was worse than a fal'Cie but far more irreplaceable than Orphan. 

Etro, who enslaved in the guise of love. Her mercy was worse than her wrath. 

At times like these, Lightning wondered if Fang would have felt so bitterly alone and hopeless - Lightning had to laugh at herself. Fang would probably felt it more keenly than Lightning was. Fang, was so full of vibrant life - just the thought of her smiling at Lightning in the brilliant sunlight on the Steppe made Lightning's chest ache painfully - but she was also susceptible to despair. Chances were, had their positions in the timeline been switched, Fang would have snapped long ago and ended Caius - and ended everything. 

It was impossible, and Lightning knew that, but she could not _help_ but imagine what it would have been like, fighting in Valhalla with Fang at her side. Lightning closed her eyes, her fingers straying to where her new brand marked her chest. Her lips twitched into a smile that felt numb. 

Caius would not have known what hit him, not if their time as l'Cie was any indicator. 

Lightning certainly would not have been so bitterly lonely, filled with a deep yearning for a touch that wasn't a blow. She would never truly _want_ any of them here, to fight forever as she did. Sometimes, she couldn't help feeling a deeply selfish and hopeless desire to have someone – anyone – in Valhalla with her. 

Here, alone in a dead city, she allowed herself to think of the things she'd never dwelt on, not until it was far too late. She imagined lips, soft and full against her own, and fingers wound through her hair. She imagined how Fang would look, given Etro's armour. It would have probably been something heavy, to suit Fang's endless strength and endurance. It would have been breathtaking. 

Fang would have been daringly irreverent of Etro's legacy and all they were meant to stand for. Her hand would have been held out when Lightning fell, in some sort of repayment for all those times Lightning had galvanised Fang herself. 

Fang would not have allowed her forget how to feel. 

Lightning's heart ached, and she thought about pulling Fang in for a scorching kiss as the woman daringly sat herself on that empty throne of Etro's. She imagined pushing Fang back hard against the throne, gauntleted hands pressed against Fang's shoulder, running over Fang's soft cheek and curved lips. She'd see heat kindle in those pale green eyes as Lightning did away with some of that armour, just to feel soft skin against her own the way she craved. 

It would be quick, Lightning knew, because time was fleeting between the battles. She'd take Fang there on Etro's throne, hard and fast, with little care for the goddess, Caius, or modesty. Fang would be desperate and loud in the quiet deadness of Valhalla, arching into Lightning's fingers and mouth, her gloved hands digging into Lightning's scalp as she finished -

Lightning opened her eyes, her shoulders sagging for just a moment when she realised that that timeline was not real, that it could never _happen._ Fang was locked away in a crystal pillar, and Lightning… Lightning was forgetting how it felt to be _human_ at all.

She looked down at her gloved hands, suddenly feeling the weight of the countless years of fighting. 

Lightning didn't want to be alone forever, not like this, while she was forced to fight, watch, _wait._ She could not see an end to it though, and that was what scared her the most.

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like updates as to current projects or just want to chat, feel free to come visit me on my tumblr: [zerrat](http://zerrat.tumblr.com/) (personal) and [zerratwritesstuff](http://zerratwritesstuff.tumblr.com) (writing)!


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